Hope and overflowing joy

I'll just warn you from the outset that this is going to be a very different post than my typical blogs. I was lying down with Kaelyn for a few minutes last night (actually Friday night by now). She fell asleep in no time but I continued to lie there for awhile thinking. It actually started because I had seen a Thanksgiving [scrapbook] layout or pictures or something and I was thinking about how I am anxious for the holiday seasons to get here (Thanksgiving and Christmas). I kind of inwardly chided myself for wishing time to go faster because I know that one Christmas after another keep coming and going and before long, Kaelyn won't be so little anymore and I will wish that time would slow down. But then I thought about it and I realized that anticipating things and having hopes and dreams for the future is what keeps us going sometimes. I don't want to be discontented with life and I certainly don't feel unhappy with what I have and where I am in life right now - but I still like to dream. For me, it can be as simple as looking forward to a break from school, going on a vacation, or an upcoming activity. Kevin and I like to talk about our "bigger dreams". We enjoy driving around occasionally to look at houses and discuss our dream houses or properties where we would like to build a dream house (and our dream house is far from being a mansion or anything). I love our place now though and I don't picture us moving for awhile. What's more, I know that if/when we ever move, I will cry so I'm not unhappy but it is just fun to dream sometimes. Of course our ultimate hope in life as Christians is that we will be with Jesus forever someday. The more I lay there thinking about all the ways that I have already been blessed, the more thankful I felt. I can remember a period of my life where I didn't have too many hopes or dreams. I think the worst emotion ever is hopelessness. I know the feelings of rejection, being unloved or unneeded, and being hurt in other ways are horrible too but I think that hopelessness is the culmination of all of those negative emotions. If you feel hopeless, then you feel like there is no reason to live. I know that when a person feels hopeless, unloved, etc. it is [usually] because of messed up perceptions and other issues but it doesn't make the feelings seem any less real. I started looking at Kaelyn's toys, books, and things and actually begin to cry. I guess realizing all over again how God has brought me from a place of feeling utterly hopeless to where I am today with a family, job, and life I love so much was a little overwhelming (in a positive way). Believe me, life isn't without stresses right now - as a matter of fact - most times the last few months when I have been laying awake for hours it is because I am worrying about certain things. But I realize that even though life has it's ups and downs, God has given me so many things that just make me feel so full of joy. I'm not sure how to end this all other than to say what God was reminding me of - that He is an awesome God and He can fulfill our hopes and dreams IN SPITE OF US no matter how little we may believe or what we may do to "mess things up". If you have made it all the way through this - kudos to you because I feel like I had a million good thoughts swirling in my head but I don't feel like I communicated at all what I really wanted to say. I promise I won't philosophize often for that reason. Just was feeling overwhelmingly grateful for where God has brought me from and to (especially emotionally) - I guess that's what I mean to say. Even with today's stesses and worries, it doesn't make me feel like there is nothing to live for tomorrow; I feel so much joy even with all the daily battles. (Well, I keep adding to this to try to make it more clear but I think that it is just getting worse so I will close it for good this time.)