Rambling thoughts

I don't feel like I have my thoughts together enough to do a post like this but I'm going to anyways in hopes that writing will somehow be therapeutic. I got up shortly after 6 this morning and as I looked at my daily calendar and saw that it was the first of June, I instantly remembered that today would have been Tricia Bigger's 30'th birthday. I'm not really sure why, but it has hit me all over again. I suppose one of the reasons is that I will be celebrating my own 30'th b.day in a few months and I have a hard time understanding why I "get to" see my 30'th birthday and Tricia didn't. I know - she's not sad about it - as a matter of fact, I know she's happier today than any of us but it's still hard for the mind to grasp. It might seem odd that I have grieved as much as I have over Tricia's passing but I've realized since January that I thought of her a lot more over the years than I ever realized. Just the other day I was reading through a mother/daughter journal that I have. There are pages and pages of questions of stuff from my life to fill out so that Kaelyn will have that information one day. As I was reading back through stuff I filled out a couple years ago, I was reading the page where I had written about highschool and college friends. I had mentioned Tricia as one of my best friends in high school and then at the end I had written something to this effect: "You never know, maybe someday we will get a chance to re-connect and have a close friendship again." I never realized until I saw the memorial to Brent that our marriage age differences were so close. Brent would have turned 34 in July just days before Kevin will turn 34 this July and for some reason, I have always remembered the date of Tricia's birthday. As I read through the copy of Tricia's gratitude journal that Mrs. Miller so kindly thought to send to some of us, I was inspired and touched by how close she was to Brent and the kids and how serious she took her job as a mother and wife. I have no doubt that she was wonderful at it and it made me want to do everything I could to be a better wife and mother. I know it does no good to feel guilt but I feel like I SHOULD feel guilty for just celebrating Kaelyn's fourth birthday and [that we will be] celebrating my 30'th birthday this fall. I know that's not what God or anyone else wants me to feel but that's what is going through my head right now. I know these have been jumbled thoughts that are not put in the best order with the best grammar but I just needed to "get out" what is going through my head. I want to post some pictures from Kaelyn's birthday but I don't have the heart to right now. Maybe later today I will get back to it. For now... happy birthday Tricia, you are missed by many!